I’ve always approached my past relationships, both friendships but mostly romantic relationships, in very much the same manner I would approach an interview. I want to show the other person on the other side of the table sipping coffee that I am capable, competent, worth being in a relationship with, that the person would be lucky to have me on board. I guess trying to gain the other’s approval in the beginning of a relationship is quite a natural thing to do.

But my tendency is to prolong this game ad infinitum, constantly trying to prove myself, leaving no room for the other to know my weaknesses, my fears, my insecurities, which is crucial in maintaining a successful relationship. I play the game of trying to implicitly make the point that he might easily lose me, giving out the message that he’d better be alert and perform well, or else I might just say goodbye.

Being raised in a family where we were encouraged to be our best, I interpreted this outlook as the need to always be the best. I’m noticing I’ve carried this attitude in approaching relationships. I never address real issues with the other person, lest they might see me as weak or inferior which might lead to them not feeling the need to be with me anymore, and then – God forbid!, rejecting me. Oh what I do, how many miles I walk just for the sake of not being rejected. I have an insatiable thirst to be loved and approved of by everybody.

As my perspective is slowly widening, I’m starting to think ‘Man, this is not it!’ We are talking about relationships here, not about competitions. This is a learning curve which we travel through while holding hands, not a rat race which you sprint through while stealthily checking if the other person is ahead of you.

If I am with a guy, I want to be in a relationship with him, not in a playful tug of war. I want to be known by a person for who I really am. If the person really loves me, I want him to fall in love with the truth of who I am, not with a false image, a mask behind which I constantly hide. For, in truth, if a person falls in love with my mask, he wouldn’t be falling in love with me. But what a beautiful thing it would be if I show the true multi-layered me, with its good and bad, and be truly loved for that, for all of what makes me me. I don’t need to be loved by the whole world. But if I am going to invest in some close intimate relationships, I want to be who I am.

I need to become more aware of my patterns, the underlying truths behind my behaviour. This way, I would be better able to communicate them with the persons who I’m investing in. Because if I wouldn’t really know myself well, it would be much difficult for the other persons to understand me.

I want to live in the truth. Yes, the truth can be hard to digest sometimes. But I’d rather go through the hardship and pain in order to obtain and give out something real, rather than remain on the surface with the glitter and the shine and obtain absolutely nothing, also giving out nothing.

Read more:
– Overcoming Fear – “Do Not Be Afraid”
– Catholic Prayers For Strength

The post Being True to Oneself – Sarah’s Experience appeared first on Universe of Faith.

The single life vocation in different life circumstances

Very often we speak about the married life, those who become priests and those who choose to live a religious life. But very often we forget about people who live a single life even though they did not want to choose that life. They also are asking the question: What is my vocation? I did not choose to be celibate but find myself single! Is there a purpose? Is this God’s will for me? Why has God left me single?

We cannot conclude that this is a homogeneous group. There are those who for some reason or other wanted to marry or join the religious life but could not. Others who were married and separated/divorced and now live alone (even though they may also have a child). Thus, to fall into generalisations is misleading. Yet one can identify a number of “attitudes , ways of living and thinking. And through these we try to discover how to live the call of God. Here we will focus on three “attitudes : painful resentment, the need for hope, a search on how to be fruitful.

Attitude 1 – Painful resentment of living a single life:

In our contemporary society, it is quite difficult to accept frustration. This can make it more difficult for people who are seeking a partner and do not succeed. Moreover, contemporary culture places a lot of emphasis on “sexual fulfilment reducing sexuality to genitality, and this can make life more difficult for Catholics who want to live with integrity. On this level, it is worth exploring the truth of the ‘body’ as temple of the Holy Spirit where genital sexuality is not the only way of expressing one’s ability to love and connect.

Other frustrations arise from a lack of pastoral care for people who are single. They are rarely mentioned. Moreover, many confuse between state of life and vocation. Whereas there is a specific search for a state of life , marriage, priesthood, religious life , vocation cannot be reduced to states of life. Vocation is the call of God addressed to each person, whatever their state of life, in order to live in fullness of life. What counts is one’s response to this call to holiness, that is, the gift of self. This opens up avenues for people who are single that also enables them to overcome the voices that instil guilt: “maybe I have missed God’s call ; “maybe it’s my fault ‘; “maybe I am not good enough .

Attitude 2 – Need for hope in living a single life:

A good number of people live with the feeling of always waiting for a providential partner. This can block them from taking a decision and give direction for their life. They can be tempted to remain waiting. While waiting for a partner, one can stop from investing in friendships marked by mutual sharing. Moreover, their life is not marked but the usual stages of married life , like first years of marriage, children, children’s children, etc.

In this context, the Christian is invited to reflect on the value and meaning of life as a whole. Jesus reaches out to people whatever their situation. He communicates to them that the value of their life is not dependent on whether they are married or not. He presents himself as the way, the truth and the life. We learn to find our true meaning in Him. What we do in life does not capture the whole meaning of life. This could be one of the gifts that single people share with others. Also, single people are invited to invest in healthy relationships, good friendships that are not marked by seduction or jealousy, nor possession or exclusiveness. The fruit of such friendships they can share with more people.

Attitude 3 – Search on how to be fruitful in your single life:

Within us there is a desire to be fruitful. Yet this can be challenging when a person does not have his/her own children. In contemporary society this has become more perplexing given that, with the separation of sexuality and conception, people speak of the “right to have a child and actually it has become possible to get a child. A Catholic who refuses to go along this way can appear to be acting in a strange way.

On this level it is worth remembering that the condition that the Gospel gives for fruitfulness is not marriage or priesthood but “union with Christ . If one remains in the vine, one produces fruit in abundance (John 15, 5). Thus, revaluing the sacrament of baptism opens up avenues of living one’s vocation and giving fruit by giving one’s life for others. This goes beyond efficiency and being totally taking up by one’s career. Moreover, in a time where married life and priesthood is very often discredited, the witness of the single people can be an important, complementary and necessary blessing.

Read more:
– Celebrating the Single Life, Susan Annette Muto, 1985
– Feeling Insecure – Love As The Greatest Security

Watch:

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