“When I looked at the pregnancy test, I thought… this is not possible”

I clearly remember looking at the pregnancy test stick. My period was more than 7 weeks (plus) overdue. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My boyfriend, Jefflyn, and myself were only 20 years old at the time. We had everything planned for our future. Jefflyn had just graduated from his degree in Psychology and started a new job with children who have severe autism, whilst I was working full time as an LSE and as a vet assistant part-time. I was also studying at the same time. We never expected that I would be pregnant!

We were not prepared for this unplanned event. Apart from our jobs and studies, we were also preparing for our big day. We were planning to get married within a year and a half. In fact, we had just paid the deposit for our reception and were waiting to start getting our apartment ready. I remember looking at the pregnancy test and feeling numb. What are we going to do with the kid? What will people say? It was hard.

At the time we didn’t believe in providence. We believed in working hard to achieve results. Although we believed in God, we didn’t have the faith to believe that things would turn out well. It was a difficult time. However, through this experience we learnt to cling on to God.

“My mother was hurt. I think she felt betrayed”

We decided to tell our parents immediately. Jefflyn’s parents were happy. My family reacted in a different way. My father was surprised but he didn’t take the news too badly. He said that we weren’t the first couple to find ourselves in this situation. Moreover, he encouraged us by saying that together we would still make it work. On the other hand, my mother was hurt. I think she felt betrayed. We still do not speak about what went through her mind on those first days.  Even after all these years, it still hurts.

Some people said: “Why would a ‘good girl’ like you do something like this?”

Some comments that people passed, didn’t help. In the following few days, before the first hospital appointment, we were burdened with people asking why a “good girl like me would do something like this?” They seemed to think that I was infallible. These comments became more frequent as the pregnancy progressed. Sometimes people would stare at me when I couldn’t hide my pregnancy anymore. Many people suggested that we shouldn’t say that we were not married in order to hide the reality that our child was conceived out of wedlock. They felt that we had done something wrong. I don’t think the word ‘wrong’ can be applied to a pregnancy. We made some choices in the wrong time and the outcome made us feel stranded because we needed to change our plans. Yet luckily, others believed that we would make a great couple.

“I honestly didn’t want kids, I wanted a career”

Abortion was never an option for us. Apart from our religious beliefs, we believe that killing a preborn child in the womb is one of the saddest, most immoral things there are out there! But before the first appointment with the gynecologist I did consider, for some fleeting moments, the possibility of giving up our child for adoption. Honestly, at that time I didn’t want kids. I just wanted a career. My plans were to continue studying, not to raise a family. I was quite happy with Jefflyn. Moreover, I was afraid of how I would face the world since I am a Catholic and became pregnant before marriage.

“The idea of adoption dissolved as I heard the strong little heartbeat”

The idea of adoption dissolved and never came back when I heard the steady, strong little heartbeat during our first prenatal visit in hospital. I could clearly see a little body with tiny legs, toes and feet on the ultrasound. I cried so much then. The human shape was very obvious. I immediately fell in love in the most sudden and intimate way possible.

I wish I could say that from then on, things just fell into place. They didn’t. The ultrasound showed that I was 10 weeks pregnant; almost at the end of the first trimester of pregnancy. Money was tight at the time. Medical appointments and baby items are expensive. Moreover, with our wedding coming up, a new home to sort out and payments to continue my studies, we found ourselves with our backs to the wall.

“She reminded me of how many people had suffered to have what I had received unplanned”

Little did we realise that God had already been helping us and that his providence was never ending. Even though I had to stop one of my jobs, our friends and family gave us a lot of support. Some helped us with words of encouragement: “you’ll be great parents”, “don’t worry you will manage in some way or another.”

One day, an ex-colleague who had spent years trying to conceive and many days bed bound to bring the pregnancy to term, took me aside and encouraged me not to hide my pregnancy. She told me that I was carrying someone precious and a treasure for the world. Moreover, she reminded me that so many women had suffered to have what I had received unplanned. “This baby is a gift from God”, she said. “Do not be afraid.” Her comment led me to contemplate; “Why am I feeling so angry?” Suddenly my outlook changed and providence started pouring in, in the form of push chairs, a cot, diapers….

“When she was born, her grandparents soon forgot all that had happened before her birth!”

Our beautiful little girl was born just as summer started and schools closed. I had a long but easy labor. We were lucky to have wonderful staff helping us at hospital.  The grandparents soon forgot all that had come before the baby’s birth and were supportive throughout labour and birth.

“I remember how angry we were when the priest said that our daughter could not be baptised with the other babies”

The biggest blow was yet to come. This would test our faith and our maturity; our faith in God and even in the people around us.

Jefflyn and I believe in someone bigger than ourselves. We wanted to baptise our little girl a month after her birth, so we talked to our parish priest about baptism, as is the custom in Malta.  We were astounded, angry and left speechless by what we were told. The priest agreed to baptise our daughter. However, since we were Catholic and the child had been born out of wedlock, we would have to baptise her in a private ceremony. We were to have our daughter was to receive the sacrament of baptism outside the regular parish ceremony because of the circumstances of her birth. I felt so hurt. Why was my daughter being treated in a different manner? She didn’t choose to be born out of wedlock. In our circumstances, this arrangement felt like an extra burden. We felt that our daughter was being blamed for something that she had no part in.

Another attitude which hurt was that I was held to be solely responsible for our daughter. The priest expected my boyfriend to move out of the house. We were already living together so that Jefflyn could help with our daughter.  His support was also important for me since I was still studying. I know that this wasn’t ideal but we were close to getting married. Moreover, Jefflyn and I felt that we were both responsible for the child. I felt that the priest was omitting my boyfriend from the picture. By doing so he was also taking away his responsibilities which came with child bearing and rearing; responsibilities that my boyfriend was very keen to carry with love and sacrifice.

“We knew that God had a merciful approach towards those who do not choose well”

We knew that God had a merciful approach towards those who did not choose well. So we refused to believe that what this priest was saying was the teaching carried by the whole Church. Therefore, we decided to look further. We found refuge with another priest who welcomed us with open arms. He assured us that, since our daughter was still the fruit of love, we would not be excluded from a normal baptism. This priest was willing to baptise our daughter together with the other babies. He left it up to us to decide whether we wanted this or not. Ultimately, we decided  to have a private ceremony. However, the reason for choosing to do so was ours and based on different grounds.   We decided to have a private and more family oriented celebration.

I know many people who moved away from God and from the Church because of encounters with priests who were similar to the first one we met. Some attitudes and comments can stir so much hurt and anger.  Any life, brought forth under any circumstance, is a life given to us by God: One to treasure and to rejoice in! I think it was the Holy Spirit who elevated our maturity and helped our stubbornness prevail despite those comments. Yet for years later, that encounter kept me back from fully living my Christian faith. Those words kept haunting me  like a shadow, at the back of my mind.

“Working with the Jesuits gave me a better understanding of the human world”

Fast-forward to a few  years later…  I am currently working in a Jesuit School. Here, I finally started to let go of my anger and immerse myself thoroughly in God. I fell in love with the Jesuits’ way of thinking. Through their spirituality and way of living, I have found myself again. I have also matured and  gained a better understanding of the human world. At my work place I have spoken openly about being Catholic and pregnant outside marriage. Yet, it seems that, the Jesuits are not concerned much about what happened before. What matters to them is who I am now. What really matters are one’s core values.

The Jesuits have taught me to look beyond religion and one’s background; to somehow look deep within the soul of a person. They work with what there is now, rather than what happened in the past. So much so, that I have been given many opportunities to continue to grow in my career, and to learn and mature both as an employee and as a person. At school, I was entrusted  to help in The Eucharistic Youth Movement; as a leader to a group of thirteen-year-old boys. I have also been asked to travel abroad with the boys, and to accompany a Jesuit in a voluntary work experience with 6^th formers for two weeks in Ireland. In a few words, I have never been despised because of my past choices and circumstances.

“Now I understand why the Church still preaches not to have sex before marriage”

Nowadays, I understand why the Church still tells couples not to have sex before marriage. I understand the dangers of being left alone as a single parent to bring up a child if the other parent gets cold feet. Although it is not impossible, it is very difficult to raise a child single-handed. It is difficult even if the parents stay together, as in our case. The change and impact on the relationship is so big that you have to have a good foundation in the relationship for it to work. There is also the added financial strain. I must admit that six years into our marriage, our house is still a ‘works in progress’; we still have no doors.

Yet, at the end of the day, being Catholic and pregnant before marriage has only been a positive experience in our lives. It was not easy, but surely a positive one. Both Jefflyn and I have matured. We have kept on working on our marriage, to be stronger as parents and as children of God. We try to respect each other and to not blurt out feelings . And when we start to go astray we help each other to focus on the priorities. Two years into our marriage we planned to have our second child. This time it was a boy.

“If you are facing an unexpected pregnancy, do not give up!”

This experience made me realise that we are all human; we are all prone to make mistakes. It wasn’t the end of the world after all, even if some people made it feel like that.

If you are also passing through an unplanned pregnancy, do not give up! Hope! It is hard, but look beyond the obstacles. We have friends who are single fathers and single mothers and who have still managed. God always offers a helping hand to those who pray or ask for it! If you have found a wall in front of you, turn your gaze. The answer may be somewhere else! There are people who are willing to help even if they are not part of your family. Life finds a way!

Nicole Grech

Catholic and pregnant before marriage

Podcast by Uyen Vu
Photos of Nicole and Jefflyn Grech by Christina Gatt

Links For Unplanned Pregnancy Support:
– Heart Beat International
– LifeLine Crisis Pregnancy Free Services, Malta
– Support During & After an Unplanned Pregnancy to Mother/Partner/Family, Guzeppa Debono Home, Gozo, Malta
– Hope, Crisis Pregnancy Awareness, Floriana, Malta

Read more:
Difficult Pregnancies And The Unavailability Of Abortion In Malta

The post “I’m Catholic and Pregnant Before Marriage” – Nicole Grech appeared first on Universe of Faith.

1. Learn to love a real woman/man

The woman we see in the media, always clean, always ready, and with the perfect figure does not exist!! Real women have cellulite, they are short or tall, they work, they need to eat, they get tired, they have different body shapes. One can feel very attracted and sexually aroused even with a woman who does not have the perfect figure.

2. Enjoyable sex is a reflection of what goes on during the day

Real, enjoyable sex is a reflection of the giving that goes on during the day. It starts when she makes his lunch, he sends a message to say thank you, he makes her tea, she listens to him etc Men often complain that “she is cold and never interested.” But I ask… what is happening throughout the day? Are the couple making an effort to be kind to each other, to listen, to support each other? Are they being together?

3. Look at your partner as a person with feelings

If, since your early boyfriend-girlfriend stage, you have just seen your girlfriend as something beautiful to be used, how can you expect her to be interested? One has to train hard to start seeing his partner or wife as a woman who has feelings, who is human.

4. Pornography harms

I have met a woman whose husband was deep in pornography. She shared how she felt used and knew that he saw her as a woman not as a wife. When their son was 13 years old she decided to separate, despite having a hard time from her family who did not know the reason why she was doing so. However, she did not want to expose her son to the lifestyle of his father. Pornography has a huge influence on one’s life.

5. After a sports injury or surgery accept your new body

Sometimes, there might be circumstances, when the couple cannot be intimate, sometimes for months, because of a sports injury or an operation. However, the couple can still be close as long as they are willing to accept one’s body rather than expect performance. I remember a sexologist once telling us at a conference that impotency after heart surgery can heal more quickly if the partner/wife does not expect her husband to perform, but accepts him as he is at that moment. We have to accept how our body works.

6. Keep loving even as you grow old

Every couple passes through different phases in life, love is expressed differently in the various stages. Unless the couple learns to move from one phase to the other, their intimate life will become stale and monotonous. The sexual relationship moves from one stage to the other as long as the couple is committed to keep it alive and interesting. It is very encouraging for me when I see a couple who have been together for a number of years and I can feel that they are still in love, that they enjoy each other’s company and that their sexual relationship is still alive.

7. Where there is love, there is no shame

God created sex as another way to express our love and unity not to tell us “don’t do this or that . This topic needs to be discussed more between couples, in society, and as a Church. As a society we need to see sex in a more positive way.

Published: June 2018

Read more:
– “I Work With Prostitutes” – The Negative Effects Of Prostitution
– Top Popes’ Quotes About Sex And Sexuality

The post How to Have Enjoyable Sex From Young Age to Old Age appeared first on Universe of Faith.

1. Enjoyment Of Body And Spirit Is A Good Thing

“The Creator himself established that in the (generative) function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses, by seeking and enjoying this pleasure, do not do anything wrong. They accept what the Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation.
Pope Pius XII, Address to Midwives, October 29, 1951

2. Reducing Sex to A “Thing” Which Can Be Bought Or Sold Is Deceptive

“Nowadays Christianity of the past is often criticised as having been opposed to the body; and it is quite true that tendencies of this sort have always existed. Yet the contemporary way of exalting the body is deceptive. Eros, reduced to pure “sex , has become a commodity, a mere “thing to be bought and sold, or rather, man himself becomes a commodity.
Pope Benedict XVI, On Christian Love, 2005, 5

3. Both Spirit And Matter Matter!

“Sexuality is something that pertains to the physical-biological realm and has also been raised to a new level , the personal level , where nature and spirit are united.
Card.Joseph Ratzinger, Considerations regarding proposals to give legal recognition to unions between homosexual persons, 2003, 3

4. Difference Between Contraception For Real-life Difficulties/For Self-Centered Freedom

“It is true that in many cases contraception… is practised under the pressure of real-life difficulties… Still, in very many other instances contraception implies a self-centered concept of freedom, which regards procreation as an obstacle to personal fulfilment. The life which could result from a sexual encounter thus becomes an enemy to be avoided at all costs.”
Pope John Paul 2nd, The Gospel Of Life, 13

5. A Good Attitude Towards Sex Helps In Forming Healthy Families And Societies

“I believe very strongly that the cement which holds society together is family life. Stable families are made and sustained by loving, unselfish and mature relationships. Our attitude to that most important gift of God to humankind, namely the gift of sex, is fundamental therefore to the continued health and stability of our society, and our culture. Here is a subject where people of goodwill, be they believers or unbelievers, would find common cause with us.”
Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Connor, Dialogue with unbelievers, 2004

6. The Sexual Difference Is There For The Sake Of Communion

“And as we all know, sexual difference is present in so many forms of life, on the great scale of living beings. But man and woman alone are made in the image and likeness of God: the biblical text repeats it three times in two passages (26-27): man and woman are the image and likeness of God. This tells us that it is not man alone who is the image of God or woman alone who is the image of God, but man and woman as a couple who are the image of God. The difference between man and woman is not meant to stand in opposition, or to subordinate, but is for the sake of communion and generation, always in the image and likeness of God.”
Pope Francis, General Audience, 15th April 2015

Read more:
– Top Pope Francis’ Quotes For Youth
– Sexuality As Transcendence – An interview about the depths of sexuality with Catholic convert from atheism, philospher, writer, husband and father Fabrice Hadjadj.
– Unwanted – How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, Jay Stringer, 2018. This highly praised book explores the “why behind self-destructive sexual choices. It is based on research from over 3,800 men and women seeking freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, be that the use of pornography, an affair, or buying sex. The author is an Evangelical Christian. 

The post Top Popes’ Quotes About Sex and Sexuality appeared first on Universe of Faith.

The Natural Family Planning Method has its advantages and disadvantages. It has been strongly correlated with successful planning and prevention of pregnancy, as well as the building of healthy relationships. Yet couples can find difficulties using it as in situations like having a partner work abroad, shift work, breastfeeding, or if one of the partners is not committed to using this method. In this interview, Dr Anna Maria Vella addresses these situations and contraception issues for people who wish to live according to the teachings of the Catholic Church.

1. How effective is the Natural Family Planning method?

Dr Anna: “There are a number of methods which promote teaching how the reproductive system of the body works so that a couple can be aware of the chances of pregnancy.“The Natural Family Planning (NFP) method which is a particular method which uses cervical mucus, temperature readings and position of the cervix, is one of them. When followed properly, the Natural Family Planning method has a very high success rate in preventing or planning a pregnancy.  Another advantage of using this method is the positive impact on the relationship of the couple as they enter in a mutual understanding and respect of their body. However, we must acknowledge that the needs of a newly married couple’s are very diverse from those of a young couple who already have children and yet again diverse from those of a couple in their forties. Therefore, the principle of graduality has to be applied when following Natural Family Planning method. The couple gradually grasps the concept of using the Natural Family Planning method and slowly matures slowly into the mentality of applying it. Decisions taken in this regard, depend on particular circumstances and may need to be changed. A good and morally correct decision taken today may not continue to apply tomorrow.

Dr Anna: “Many women who desire to follow the Catholic Church’s teaching feel great frustration and grief, when for various reasons, they cannot follow the ‘rules’ to the letter. Unfortunately, the teachings are often handed down in a very rigid and unpractical way. Men are often put off by such rigidity and at times feel unsafe to follow such methods. The Natural Family Planning method is not a one size fits all method.”

2. What the difference between a contraceptive mentality and responsible parenthood ?

Dr Anna: “Responsible parenthood takes in consideration the couple’s health and the health of the off-spring. It is not about “having two is enough, having one is too little. It depends a lot on what the couple is going through. A couple might feel that at a particular moment it’s not a good time to have a child, but then times and circumstances change. Is it responsible to plan a pregnancy when the mother has severe depression and the family is in financial difficulty? Yet, if a child is conceived, taking responsibility means that the child is still given a chance at life.

A contraceptive mentality is one when two persons want to have sex but at all costs they do not want to have a baby. This is why Pope John Paul 2nd had said that contraceptives can pave the way to abortion. A contraceptive mentality seeks abortive pills and other procedures when contraception does not work. A contraceptive mentality can also damage a relationship because it induces one person to want the other unconditionally expecting him/her to be always available, rather than respecting the needs of the other and his/her body. The concept of using the Natural Family Planning method is different from using contraception. A couple may seek to avoid a pregnancy because they feel that life’s circumstances are too difficult for them to support another life at that moment.  Yet, if a baby is conceived, they are still open to welcome him/her. It is about avoiding a pregnancy rather than against conception (contra-ception).

Dr Anna: “We are encouraged to leave open the possibility for opportunities of loving a new human being. Better decisions are taken by the couple about their sexual relationship when they are taken in God’s presence. Such decisions are difficult to take, if the guidelines of the Church are felt to be posing a constraint rather than life giving.”

3. The Church teaches that contraceptives are “intrinsically evil” but lately Pope Francis said “avoiding pregnancy is not an absolute evil.” What do you think of this?

Dr Anna: “There were cases when the Church accepted the use of contraceptives to nuns as a defence against pregnancy from rape. We cannot say that in these circumstances it is ok and in other difficult situations it isn’t. If it is intrinsically wrong, it is always wrong. But it isn’t the case because here the Church said “ok .

I do not believe that that the use of contraceptives is always wrong. There are circumstances, even within marriage, where for health reasons, it would be better to use contraceptives. When I say contraception, I do not mean the morning-after pill. The morning-after pill can act as an abortifacient in the first days of the embryo’s life. I am referring to regular oral contraception and condoms.

Dr Anna: “Such a case is when the mother goes through a Caesarean section. It is very unsafe to have a child in the first months after birth due to a possible rupture of the uterus which could result in a fatality. In such a case it would be better for the couple to use a contraceptive than to abstain for many months, especially if times are stressful and being close can help the couple to feel more supported. Use of contraception is for a short period of time until the menstrual cycle is back to normal and the mother is not breastfeeding any more.”

4. Would you recommend Natural Family Planning method?

Dr Anna: “I am very much in favour of the Natural Family Planning method and I highly recommend it. When used well, it is highly effective both to prevent and to plan a pregnancy. One has to be committed and chart body temperatures daily. Some couples prefer it if the man takes note of the temperature of the woman so she doesn’t have to explain if she is fertile or not. I have seen lots of couples who use this method who feel good about it and have used it for years. Sometimes the woman feels more respected by her partner/husband, in the sense that he can understand more why she is not available every day. Another advantage is that there are no side-effects when using this method.

Dr Anna: The Natural Family Planning method is different from the calendar method. The latter is not reliable! In the Natural Family Planning method, the woman has to measure her body temperature daily and chart it. The woman also learns to note and chart the quality of her vaginal mucus and the position of the uterus. There are courses available on how to use this method effectively.

However, this method does not and cannot apply at all times or for everybody. These are some examples when it can be difficult to use:

• Couples where you have one partner is a committed Catholic and the other is not or his/her faith is not so important for him/her. Both man and woman need to agree and collaborate to make it work effectively.
• People doing shift work.
• When the couple is experiencing a stressful situation such as financial tension, eg work in a precarious environment.
• Women is forties who are still highly fertile and afraid to get pregnant because of an increased chance of having a disabled child. Their body will soon start going in to menopause and as a doctor I cannot rely on the Natural Family Planning method. I have to take care of the mother’s health, the health of the child, and the couple’s wellbeing.
• When one’s partner works abroad.
• During breastfeeding it is also very hard to use the NFP methos. I have to say that there are couples who manage to use Natural Family Planning method while the mother is breastfeeding an infant, God bless them! It is very hard.

Dr Anna: “A recent example I faced when NFP was not appropriate, was of a couple who had two babies who both died a few days after birth. The couple were told by the doctors that both babies had a genetic condition, and that the possibility of this happening again was high. The mother took the mourning very hard. She could not bear any longer to bury her own children and she suffered from depression for five years. In this case I suggested contraception; reversible methods of course not closing the tubes. One would want to leave the possibility of having children open for such a couple or in the eventuality of a change in circumstances from remarriage. Natural Family Planning method was too complex and risky to use in this situation. Yet, there are circumstances in life when a couple needs to feel closer often. That is why I felt that in this case the contraceptive pill was a good decision.”

5. In the formation of engaged couples, different couples need to be addressed differently…

Dr Anna: “Marriage preparation courses (known as ‘the Cana course’ in Malta) should be updated in a way to acknowledge that most couples today are already living together before marriage. Acknowledging this reality doesn’t mean that we accept this situation. But teachings and courses need to be presented in a new way which also address the realities of these couples. We cannot ignore this fact as if it does not exist. During these courses couples should be challenged and exposed to see the fuller vision of the sexual experience.”

Published: June 2017
Updated: April 2018

Read more:

– Fertility awareness, planning or avoiding a pregnancy naturally
– FEMM – Fertility Education and Medical Management
– Explaining sexual issues to children

Send us your question on hello@universeoffaith.org

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