#Happiness 1: Adequate Means To Go By

“Studies carried out on life satisfaction and well-being clearly indicate that a person who does not have adequate means to live a decent life, will experience lower levels satisfaction in life. Sometimes we hear romantic statements like “some people don’t have anything and are still happy or “be happy with what you have . These create a false perception of reality. If you are going through poverty your happiness will suffer. Material deprivation or poverty has a substantial effect on one’s happiness and satisfaction in life. Poverty is serious suffering. I have witnessed people who cannot make ends meet, who live in constant anxiety. Persons with low income who at the end of the month look helplessly at empty cupboards as they run out of money. I have witnessed persons who resort to emergency shelters with humiliation.

On the other hand, having lots of money does not necessarily make you happy. On the contrary, if the acquisition of wealth is your basic drive in life you run the risk of living a very dissatisfied life, always chasing the next acquisition. Running after material gain, is running after something which you cannot reach. Pleasure is experienced on the acquisition only to be replaced by a void and another chase. In a way it is like running after happiness and never finding it.

So basically, not having enough money to make ends meet and the feeling that you never have enough money, can both lead to unhappiness.

#Happiness 2: Meaningful Relationships

On their deathbed many people recount how at the end of the day, rather than their material acquisition or career advancement, what really counted was the quality of relationships they held with others. It is about the meaningful relationships they built, how much they succeeded to share their life with people, how much they helped those around them improve their life. People who invested in relationships look back on their life, with greater satisfaction and might feel more peaceful facing death.

What about quality in relationships? The more secure you are as a person, the healthier the relationships. Security is simply defined as , a sense of trust in self and others: trusting that you can depend on yourself and trusting that that you can depend on others. Persons who are very emotionally dependant struggle with autonomy, are not self-reliant and fear aloneness. They run the risk of staying in a relationship even if it is toxic, for fear of ending alone. On the other hand there are those who withdraw from the world because they do not trust others but only themselves. These struggle to share with others, always expecting that others will hurt them, always disappointed with others’ rejection. We need a balance of self-reliance and social support because to be able to cope and thrive there will be times when one has to stand on his/her feet alone and other times where one needs to reach out for support. This balance will help the person not despair when alone and also be able to welcome and accept the available support.

#Happiness 3: A Simple Lifestyle

There is that well-known Brazilian story of the fisherman and the entrepreneur, where the fisherman was happily enjoying his simple life which the businessman didn’t quite understand. Material things can alienate us both from ourselves and from the people around us. Materialism and consumerism decrease not increase happiness. The world we live, especially the media and the commercial world, work on this idea that if you consume this product, buy this brand or have this car, people will love you and respect you more. It is a sort of trap. If you get caught, it can rob you of happiness.

Residents at San Blas therapeutic communities and the Prison Inmates Programme describe with great joy the discovery of happiness in life’s simple things. They start to re-experience the rewarding feelings of going for a swim in the weekend after a week’s hard work, a genuine encounter, the joy of tasting chocolate on the rare occasion of receiving this treat, or even a good cry. John*, a resident at our drug rehabilitation programme described to me.. “with time I have started to experience ‘crumbs of happiness’… I still feel anxious most of the time and it is difficult for me to be happy but I have started to experience these crumbs more often .

#Happiness 4: Appreciation and Acceptance

Being able to see what is positive in one’s life and appreciating this, while embracing and accepting the fact that life cannot always be a bed of roses, has alot to do with happiness. John, the person in recovery who spoke to me about ‘crumbs of happiness’ (little moments of happiness amid several struggles) confessed that these moments help him keep going on.

When you are going through dissatisfaction or a challenging period it is particularly important to keep an eye out for good things that come your way or good things that you seek out. John described to me his appreciation for small joys in daily life, and how these helped him hang on to his recovery. He reflected on what was contributing to his feelings of fulfillment and also tried to invest in what was behind these happy moments. John described the joys of seeking out the support of his keyworker, appreciating a genuine encounter, learning to accept his difficulties rather than continuously fighting unpleasant emotions, accepting that there are times of sadness and accepting that this is part of human living. Being able to see, embrace and enjoy what is positive while also accepting that life cannot always be easy and befriending the unpleasant feelings, has a lot to do with experiencing happiness and living with difficulty peacefully.

#Happiness 5: Altruism

Acts of kindness and show of support to others is another aspect which makes people happy. Across the board, volunteers and staff at Caritas speak about the deep satisfaction of contributing to others’ lives. What one gives is received many times over in fulfillment and meaningful living. This is not to say that people who engage in pro-social behaviour and help others, do it for their own selfish intent to feel happy, however the very act of helping has this aftereffect. A person who engages in helping needs to make sure that the satisfaction of personal needs do not take over the needs of the persons receiving help. When this happens it may lead to more harm than good. This happens when for example a helper has a need to be needed and fosters the dependence of the helpee onto the helper. However if the priorities are right, helping others is a life-giving act and gives meaning and fulfilment to ones own life.

#Happiness 6: A Good Laugh

A beautician once told me that we need to laugh five times a day to keep our face muscles toned. This might well be true but surely laughter is the best medicine. Laughter releases endorphins, a pain killing, relaxing hormone. Laughter adds value to life, helps us take life with a pinch of salt, not take ourselves too seriously, ease our anxieties, helps us connect, lightens our life and makes it more fun. While I can be very serious about life I also don’t need to take life too seriously. This is paradoxical but life is all paradoxical.

#Happiness 7: A Spiritual Life: A Meaning for Living and Transcendence

What is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of my life? What is my place in the world? How do I make sense of death? Existential questions that remain unanswered add anxiety and at times despair in one’s life. We are meaning making beings. We ask questions and seek out answers. A meaning for living is like the wind in the sails of a sailing boat. We draw the energy and drive to live life in its fullness.

In my own personal journey I have found meaning in enjoying this human life while I have it, and contributing to making the world a better place to live in, I find meaning in nurturing my wife and children, I find meaning in helping others see the beauty that lies within them. I find meaning in feeling connected with others, with creation, with God. Spirituality is the part of human living that has to do with meaning in one’s life and with the experience of transcendence i.e. connecting with what is beyond you. It took me ages to come to understand the meaning of the word transcendence. I could come to understand it when I slowly started to experience a deep spiritual connection with others, with creation and God.

Is this an essential list to happiness?

This list  is from personal experience, the experience of 14 years of practice as a counselling psychologist, and from research.  For some, the search of happiness is straightforward, for others bumpy and for some others it might feel outright impossible. My own personal process of searching for happiness brought me to this list. It is important that we are in the process of searching. As John said, sometimes we come along ‘crumbs of happiness’ but as we become more expert in how and where to search we can come by more and more happiness and potentially also live in happiness.”

*Name has been changed.

Photo of Anthony Gatt by Christina Gatt
Photo of Emojis by Mark Schembri

Published: December 2018

Read more from Dr Anthony Gatt:
“I Hit Rock Bottom” – Getting The Basics Right To Get Up

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Rock bottom meaning & examples

The phrase rock bottom can be used when one is feeling heavily weighed down by a very tough or tragic moment in one’s life. When you’ve hit rock bottom, emotionally the situation feels so bad that it can’t get worse, you are at your lowest level.  Examples of rock bottom include circumstances like feeling you can’t survive the loss of a loved one through death, separation or a breakup; being unemployed or finding it hard to make ends meet and feeling like you can’t see a way out; being overwhelmed with drug dependence and a long list of consequences (overdose; rejected by family; chased by authorities; penniless; financially, physically, and emotionally bankrupt). It’s when life hits hard.

Also, facing your worst nightmare can be experienced as a rock bottom such as ending up in a prison cell; being diagnosed with a physical or mental health condition; an unsuccessful suicide attempt; being expelled from one’s own family and ending up homeless, failing at a plan (a university course or a business) that you just could not fail at; forced migration; a bad accident; ending up in a domestic violence shelter or living in fear of threats of loan sharks. These situations can all lead to the experience of rock bottom.

“hidden in the desperation of the situation lies an opportunity for change”

Rock bottom is a harsh moment in one’s life and very hard to face. Rock bottom is experienced as a state where one feels overwhelmed by the situation, thinking and feeling it can’t get any worse and feeling like something drastic has just happened. However, inspite of the tragic human situation, many a time, hidden in the desperation of the situation lies an opportunity for change, a turning point and the potential to transform the very tragedy in a life-changing event. While some remain stuck in a situation that spirals down with tragic endings, many others who experienced the ravages of drug addiction or other types of serious difficulties, express how getting out of rock bottom is possible: “my life has changed after I hit rock bottom, from there I started to pick up the pieces and started to slowly move upwards, getting out of rock bottom.”

Signs you’ve hit rock bottom

Hitting rock bottom is associated with a range of unpleasant feelings that can range from grief and depressive feelings, helplessness and hopelessness to fear and anger. These feelings are usually associated with thoughts that his phase will last forever or that there is no way out.

6 basic important steps to get out of rock bottom

The road to get out of rock bottom can be a long one but rock bottom in itself has a transformational potential.

1. Ask for help

Many people, even in tragic situations, try to cope on their own. There is a tendency for one to try and make it on their own before reaching out for help.

Yet reaching out for some form of help is a crucial step to get out of rock bottom. Not remaining alone is highly beneficial to get up again. As the saying goes “a problem shared is a problem halved”. Feeling that you are not alone in carrying your burden, and knowing that there is someone accompanying you, can be the start to getting out of rock bottom.

Help can mainly take two forms:

1. Basic human helping like sharing one’s feelings with a trustworthy family member and/or friend. We are social beings, we need this basic social support. As a caution bracket I would say that your family or friend will not necessarily give you good advice. People tend to speak from their own experience, and what has worked for that person will not necessarily work for you too. One has to be careful when s/he starts taking this type of advice. Many a time the best help from a friend of family is mostly attentive listening.
2. Professional help. You might also need to get some professional help like from a psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, counsellor, social worker etc. Professional help is delivered by a trained person. Many a time a professional helper at an early stage in the helping process will explore what social support you can reach out to in your crisis. A professional helper will listen attentively and help you explore and understand the situation you are confronted with. A psychologist will help you understand yourself and the situation and become aware of how thoughts, feelings and behaviours can contribute to make the situation better or worse. A professional helper is also cautious about giving advice, and usually the client and the professional try to arrive at a solution together weighing out the pros and cons of a course of action.

Asking for help involves a certain amount of humility. You have to be humble to accept that you need help to get back up again. It is admitting that you cannot cope with your own resources. Some keep postponing and postponing this until they arrive at a crisis stage when you end up saying to yourself: “I can’t keep going on like this”.

Both professional help and basic human support have a role to play to help you get out of rock bottom.

2. Think straight: from “This should not have happened” to “I prefer that this didn’t happen to me”

What you think about your own situation, how you interpret your situation, will affect how you feel. If during your rock bottom moment you say to yourself, “I am so unlucky, I can’t be happy anymore, I won’t find love again, my life has stopped here, I will never feel good again, I will never come out of this, my life can’t go on, this was not supposed to happen to me,” these words will not help and will contribute to feeling more helpless and hopeless.

What you say to yourself in these moments is crucial. In rock bottom circumstances it is difficult not to feel the sadness, the anger, the pain. What we are talking about here is how much you let these feelings control you. That is where you can do something about it.

I do not want to minimise the pain that the person can experience but there are degrees of sadness which you can feel. One can learn to regulate feelings to feel less overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions. How I interpret the situation and not thinking in terms of black and white is very important.

Albert Ellis, a psychologist founder of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy explains how musts and shoulds are unhelpful and persons can get overhelmed when they turn preferences into musts. Frequently I ask clients to reflect about their thinking: Where is it written that this shouldn’t happen to you? How is it that this cannot happen to you? I encourage clients to accept their own limitations, the limitations of others and that of human predicaments “I prefer to not have had to go through this experience instead of ‘this must not be happening to me’. Such interpretation of events helps one face their situation and get out of rock bottom rather than fight against it.

3. Body Care: “The more we care for our body, the more we care for our mind”

We live in a body. What is physically going on within us matters and helps or hinders our well-being. Therefore the more we care for our body, the more we care for our mind. When it comes to caring for the body, exercise is crucial. I am aware that in times of rock bottom exercise for some people can be the last thing which they feel inclined to do. However, the effort is rewarding. This is considered to be free medicine.

Healthy eating, is another crucial important factor. Substances like omega 3 and omega 6 are especially known to help the sustainability of a healthy mind. Some people turn to binge eating, alcohol or drugs as these are substances which give immediate relief for emotional pain, but in the long run these methods are harmful and backfire.

4. Behaviour Support: Engage in activities which support you

Supportive behaviour is another aspect which helps you get out of rock bottom. This can mean going to the countryside, going for a swim, meditating or engaging in a hobby – anything from taking care of a pet, your home, your car, your garden, collecting stamps, etc. These behaviours can help you by distracting your usual thoughts. Focusing on something else will help you in not entertaining unhelpful thoughts.

Contact with nature tends to have a therapeutic effect. I have a multitude of experiences where I heard persons speak of the relaxing feeling of being in touch with nature. It is as if it helps us to ground ourselves. I recall a person in drug rehabilitation expressing how going for a swim after years of being totally withdrawn into his drug using world, worked marvels of his feeling of wellbeing. He spoke about the joys of life’s simplicities.

5. Spirituality: Sustain the connections outside yourself

There are two aspects which I see crucial in the area of spirituality:

Firstly is the connection that a person experiences with that, which is beyond him/her. This can be the relationship with God, a higher power or creation. I am not only talking about the realm of Christianity but also extending to other people of different religions or other forms of faith. Those who experience such a connection, experience an extra resource in their life. It is a well-known fact those who hold some form of faith cope better in life. Those who live knowing that there is a benevolent God who loves them never feel completely alone, even in their worst moments of life, even if everyone left or rejected them. This connection gives a sense of security and care which can be helpful to get out of rock bottom situations.

Secondly is knowing what gives meaning to your life. Making sense of what happens. Having a purpose is important. The most important and burdensome questions which we all face are – What am I doing here on earth? and How do I make sense of death? In the end we will lose everything. So, if you have a reply to these questions, you can turn to the answer in difficult moments. These questions sometimes do come in the wrong moment, in rock bottom situations, when your securities are shaken. Questions like Why did this happen to me? Why did the tsunami come here and not on the other side? If you don’t find an answer you can keep going down or get stuck. On the other hand making friends with life’s toughest reality – death, may help one to live his/her life fully, making the best of what one has while one has it, and on the other hand being prepared for when adversity strikes.

6. Give yourself time

Getting out of rock bottom won’t happen overnight.When drug addicts complete their programme, some expect that now everything will fall back in place, but the challenges will continue. Resilience is important as is hope. In fact in counselling hope may equate to up to 25% of positive outcomes of counselling interventions. Giving time and being patient are necessary in these moments, to be able to get out of rock bottom.

Photos of Anthony Gatt by Christina Gatt

Read more:
– Healing for Adult Children of Separated or Divorced Couples 
– What Makes Most People Happy
– CARITAS Malta
– CARITAS International
– A Prayer To Give Yourself Time

Watch:

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